Hey, i hope this post finds you well. I decided to jump back to blog just so i could write a long post of how i feel and what i feel each day. Its weird to come back here again and let my feelings known to only me. How have you been? I hope you’re doing find and superb. That smile i have been searching its coming back pretty soon and i can feel it. Its good to see you each day even if its only at work. Anyway this will be the last time that i make my feelings known to you. Take it as my blog is where i put all my hidden emotions inside.
5 years with you was a damn good wonderful year with you. So many emotions we put out together. Loving you is something i cannot stop as i think i tend to love unconditionally to someone who i can never forget. I dont think i can ever forget you honestly. Moving on wont be easy either but i know i have to for the sake of you. Im currently lying to myself that letting you go to get your happiness is good for the both of us, but im not ok with it but i’ll deal with it. You leaving, opened my eyes bigger to see what i missed and loved. You have done everything and a lot for me. I only broke promises and your heart for my own stupidity. I know for a fact that i am not that kind of guy and i have never done that to anyone at all but somethings are just really weird for me. The more i think about it, the more i feel like something is kind of wrong but let that be my own mystery for answers i have to seek. I’ve lost the love of my life who keeps me going everyday and making sure i am ok every single day. That motivations that keeps me going is from you, not from myself. I lack motivations easily and i hate doing things that i dont like but you, you are the one that keep me driving and drilling every obstacles in my life. Its super hard for me to hang on to the love that was once here, but doesnt want to be here with me anymore. I realised what i’ve lost and its everything what i’ve been yearning for. I didnt treasure the time i had with you and i was really really late. I was emotionally distant and i was mentally weak. Im putting all the disguise and lies i ever have to be ok.
I do hope the next one that comes along, will love you unconditionally as well. Everything that you want, will be there. Your happiness if it doesnt comes within me anymore, i’ll put down the love that we once shared. I still want to be your everything, that lelaki teragung that you once mentioned to me. I know i can be and i will be but i was too late. The more i see it, the more i know you’re scared with me thinking that it will happen again but for damn sure i am super sure it will never but i do not know how to convince you anymore that i’ve changed and i want you to stay. Things like this doesnt come super easy for me to let out my feelings and tell everyone what i think. Only you know that i do that with you. The trust you had for me is gone, the love you had for me is getting lesser, the heart that was once for me is only a few mm gap for me to enter again, the want and need you once had for me is done. The good morning and afternoon and night conversations is missing. The i miss you abd i love you is done and dusted. All that was because of my own stupid brain that doesnt think. I am frozen with this fear before you disappear and it happened. I thought i could change and fix everything but im unable do it when it comes to you. I failed. I can never find the cure to fix the love i once had.
All in all, i think there’s many more that i want to say. The babygirl i once had, is now a friend to me. If i could just change that, i really would. It keeps me awake every night and im only isolating myself and running away from the feelings i have. For what i know, i do love you and still do want to be with you. I know you’re the one for me, and im the one for you but all that believe is getting lesser and lesser. If i have the super duper small last chance i will grab it by its neck and choke it and make new things to be better together and make sure that i will never risk it anymore. I would shine till its shiny golden till we’re old. I know loving me is never easy but thank you, for showing and giving me the love i thought never existed in this world.
So with this, goodbye Siti Nur Amirah Abdull Aziz. My only regret was hurting you and being late. My only regret was not loving you more when i know i could. My only regret was not keeping the promise i once took. My only regret was not taking care of you. My only regret is not being able to spend more time with you. My biggest regret was not being able to say ‘aku terima nikahnya Siti Nur Amirah Abdull Aziz dengan 2 ekor kucing dan sebuah rumah’
May Allah bring us closer again to what we were before. If Allah gives us another chance, then i would not risk it anymore. Hell, no more of that. If you’re not mine here then i want you up there with me di akhirat.
😢